I keep coming here to post and not knowing what to say.

This past week has been strangely normal - I've been eating without binging, I've been looking in the mirror without hate, and I've been getting work done. It's how I am supposed to be. Its the natural college life, right?

Why does it feel like a lie? I can feel myself consciously choosing to ignore that... voice in my head. But, I mean, that's good right? That is how it's supposed to be... to ignore this life and to create anew. An existence without this idiotic obsession and self mutilation - Jezz, that sounds so dramatic!

It still somehow feels wrong. Happiness is no longer what I am striving for... but I don't what else I can measure as a goal. I don't want to go back down the weight/cutting/counting/ocd road, but without that part of me I don't know who I am. By rejecting it, I am lost. By accepting it... I fall back again.

What a surprise, I can't find a medium.

Whenever I'm on these 'highs' of mood, I always get irritable at people I'm closest to. My best friend right now is really, really stressed out about her classes, and I should be there for her. Somehow, my mind immediately goes to - "Well, do like me. Learn not to feel stress and stop bitching about what you can change."

Hypocritical, right?

I'm a bad, bad, neutral, numb person.
Happy Halloween

Ps. I'd love to know your thoughts on this recent idea. "Drunkorexia: eating disorder prequel or just common practice?" see the article. Share on your blogs too, there is a lot of blame directed at pro-ana blogs - what a surprise.

Cause & Effect

I don't know how long I'll blog again. Or, I guess, how long I'll last in this mind set. But, for now, all I can think of is turning to this outlet once more.

The numbness has crept back into me. It is back in a way it has not been for months. I am lost and confused. I do not want to relapse back into the restriction, the cutting, and the hate. But, at the same time, the effects of those factors - being thinner and fitter, feeling alive and being motivated - are things I want. At this point, I only know of one for-sure way that works for me to get what I want.

But can I risk it? Can I control it? Can the guilt of not eating or of hurting myself when I do have other people who care about me stop me from acting on the only few things that I know make me happy? I don't know any more. It doesn't feel like the guilt will stop me at this point.

I've stopped sleeping restfully, started binge eating again, and continued on with my lethargic attitude towards school - which is bad, because I'm in university now. I'm paying for my future, and right now I'm throwing it away.

Like I said, I don't know if I will keep this up, but I do know that blogging helped last time. I don't have any close friends here that I feel that I trust enough to talk about my depression and my eating issues. So, here I am, again. I guess we'll see what the next months bring.

This blog will not just be about my mental issues, but they color my life vividly. This is about my first year at university, and the shit (good and bad) that goes down. I will try and stay away from triggering material, but I can't promise anything. I will say this though: I am looking for recovery. I hope to get there, but the like hood of there being ditches and roadkill along the way are high.

If you don't know me, see rethinkthefates.blogspot.com
If you do know me, or would like to, follow. I'll do the same.

Cheers, Greene