So Cute I Want to Puke

It's kind of funny how quickly mood reacts to your physical well being. Wow, understatement of the century, hey? Hi, Lola :P

I was sleeping through classes today, even skipped my ungodly Spanish tutorial at 8:30 in the morning. Walking home from lunch, I was upset about eating the amount of food I had, I was uninterested in life, and I knew that I was not going to study for my midterm tomorrow. In a classic, depressive move - I napped.

And, lo and behold, two hours later I felt a lot better. Apparently sleep is important or something. It's a strange thing though, because I do feel better in the sense that I didn't wake up feeling depressed. I woke up feeling refreshed. But, I woke up with a resolve to do what I needed to do - for some reason this included an entire bottle of water (1.2l) and a full bag of popcorn w/ honey. Not the worse of binging expenses, sure, but just really weird that I woke up knowing and committing to studying and cleaning - but I had to binge first. Like a punishment I was ok accepting.

I don't know.

I'm going back home this weekend for a few days, which will be both good and bad. I miss my friends more than anything, but a lot of them have moved on to new things, pointedly new boys and new schools. I'm not sure how long I will be able to stand listening to how many opportunities business students have or how difficult engineering is. As an arts student with no particular career path, and as someone who is already so freaking conscious that I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, I have NO patience for it.

The other big part is that 5/6 in my circle of close friends have found new "love" in these first few months of school. It's not even that I haven't, its that there is no one that has even made advances, no interests. Which sucks because every one who moves away hopes for the hollywood new-kid experience. Because I'm so on the verge right now... I just really don't want to hear, "There is someone out there for you, eventually you'll find him."

I am so done with that excuse. No, I'm not finding anyone because I'm a depressive hermit who is too self-conscious to let some one else in. I don't think anyone in this world could fix me, even though I want it more than anything else. I'm completely masochistic in that way.

But, of course, my serial-dater / lovebird friends don't understand that (despite how pathetic it is) and there is no way of saying, "Dude, shut up I'm too jealous of what you have to be around you right now" without sounding like a two-year-old. I have no illusions of what I am, I just can't take it.

I'll likely put on a smile, listen to their steamy drunk make-out stories and pretend I'm the best friend they've ever had.

Is it bad that one of the things I am most looking forward to is getting to measure myself on the scale at home? The one I'm used to? I feel like I've gained weight, but nothing has changed in how my clothes fit. Grr.

Long rant for today, sorry.

Cause & Effect

I don't know how long I'll blog again. Or, I guess, how long I'll last in this mind set. But, for now, all I can think of is turning to this outlet once more.

The numbness has crept back into me. It is back in a way it has not been for months. I am lost and confused. I do not want to relapse back into the restriction, the cutting, and the hate. But, at the same time, the effects of those factors - being thinner and fitter, feeling alive and being motivated - are things I want. At this point, I only know of one for-sure way that works for me to get what I want.

But can I risk it? Can I control it? Can the guilt of not eating or of hurting myself when I do have other people who care about me stop me from acting on the only few things that I know make me happy? I don't know any more. It doesn't feel like the guilt will stop me at this point.

I've stopped sleeping restfully, started binge eating again, and continued on with my lethargic attitude towards school - which is bad, because I'm in university now. I'm paying for my future, and right now I'm throwing it away.

Like I said, I don't know if I will keep this up, but I do know that blogging helped last time. I don't have any close friends here that I feel that I trust enough to talk about my depression and my eating issues. So, here I am, again. I guess we'll see what the next months bring.

This blog will not just be about my mental issues, but they color my life vividly. This is about my first year at university, and the shit (good and bad) that goes down. I will try and stay away from triggering material, but I can't promise anything. I will say this though: I am looking for recovery. I hope to get there, but the like hood of there being ditches and roadkill along the way are high.

If you don't know me, see rethinkthefates.blogspot.com
If you do know me, or would like to, follow. I'll do the same.

Cheers, Greene