I’m home to visit for the weekend.
I’m finding it really hard…on a lot of levels. I feel like a guest in these people’s lives – and I understand that technically, right now, that’s what I am. But, I guess I just wanted to feel apart of something again. When I moved away, in hindsight, all I thought was, “Wow, I was a apart of a great group of people and I left that. I am so dumb.”
All day today, though, I hung out with my close group, and they all felt as if nothing changed, and I realized that I still felt like the complete outsider. I felt safer at university without any friends. I guess it is my introverted nature coming out, or maybe fear that I wasn’t the person they remembered. My biggest fear was coming back to people who wouldn’t recognize me, but I was the one who felt taken aback.
To be fair to myself, for the most part of the day, the “boyfriends” were present, so that fact combined with my fatigue and cold didn’t help my outlook. I don’t know. I am happy for my friends in relationships – no, I am serious in my group of 10 close friends, 9 of them are in loving relationships (the other girl is not interested in a relationship on level right now). I guess it just adds to it. I know that I am jealous, and saying I am not would be silly. I also know I am resentful, I didn't want them there. I get a grand total of 36hrs with my friends who I haven't seen in two months, and you, boyfriend, are take every ounce of attention away from that. You make them feel secure, you make them forget that I left. (God, I am so selfish). It just makes me feel really lost.
I don’t know who I am, or where I am going. And yet, everyone close to me does – and on top of that has someone to walk the path with them.
Is that the deciding factor? Because I don’t know what I’m doing wrong anymore. I've been skinnier than this, I've been larger. I've been nicer, meaner, happier. I've been more laid-back, I've been full-blown OCD. I don't know how to act anymore. At this point it’s so pathetic because all I want is for someone to UNDERSTAND me and to SUPPORT me. Screw standards, screw being treated nicely. It’s so dumb how I am fixated on it. I am crying now just writing this, that’s how much it hurts. It is really pathetic.The worst part is that I know the real reason I have no love-interests is BECAUSE I have so much hurt fixated on it. Not attractive.
I guess on the plus side, I have actually lost weight since going to university. Only about 5pounds, so I’m back at 140 (as per usual). Since I weighed myself though, I’ve been super triggered. I want to measure myself so badly right now. I want to cut. I watched what I ate, how I ate, and who I ate around today. I had anxiety about it.
I’m so lost right now. I’m numbing out. I was so happy this morning, and now… maybe I’ve remembered the feelings that made me move away.