Friday, October 29, 2010

I keep coming here to post and not knowing what to say.

This past week has been strangely normal - I've been eating without binging, I've been looking in the mirror without hate, and I've been getting work done. It's how I am supposed to be. Its the natural college life, right?

Why does it feel like a lie? I can feel myself consciously choosing to ignore that... voice in my head. But, I mean, that's good right? That is how it's supposed to be... to ignore this life and to create anew. An existence without this idiotic obsession and self mutilation - Jezz, that sounds so dramatic!

It still somehow feels wrong. Happiness is no longer what I am striving for... but I don't what else I can measure as a goal. I don't want to go back down the weight/cutting/counting/ocd road, but without that part of me I don't know who I am. By rejecting it, I am lost. By accepting it... I fall back again.

What a surprise, I can't find a medium.

Whenever I'm on these 'highs' of mood, I always get irritable at people I'm closest to. My best friend right now is really, really stressed out about her classes, and I should be there for her. Somehow, my mind immediately goes to - "Well, do like me. Learn not to feel stress and stop bitching about what you can change."

Hypocritical, right?

I'm a bad, bad, neutral, numb person.
Happy Halloween

Ps. I'd love to know your thoughts on this recent idea. "Drunkorexia: eating disorder prequel or just common practice?" see the article. Share on your blogs too, there is a lot of blame directed at pro-ana blogs - what a surprise.


  1. I know that feeling. People ask me to give up my ED; i try, and then i go back to it because i have no clue who i am without it.

  2. Hey!
    i read the article and thought it was interesting. and i think i have done it too, skip eating to save calories to drinking and if you are empty you get drunk a lot faster.
    It is just one part of eating disorders.