Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Cause & Effect

I don't know how long I'll blog again. Or, I guess, how long I'll last in this mind set. But, for now, all I can think of is turning to this outlet once more.

The numbness has crept back into me. It is back in a way it has not been for months. I am lost and confused. I do not want to relapse back into the restriction, the cutting, and the hate. But, at the same time, the effects of those factors - being thinner and fitter, feeling alive and being motivated - are things I want. At this point, I only know of one for-sure way that works for me to get what I want.

But can I risk it? Can I control it? Can the guilt of not eating or of hurting myself when I do have other people who care about me stop me from acting on the only few things that I know make me happy? I don't know any more. It doesn't feel like the guilt will stop me at this point.

I've stopped sleeping restfully, started binge eating again, and continued on with my lethargic attitude towards school - which is bad, because I'm in university now. I'm paying for my future, and right now I'm throwing it away.

Like I said, I don't know if I will keep this up, but I do know that blogging helped last time. I don't have any close friends here that I feel that I trust enough to talk about my depression and my eating issues. So, here I am, again. I guess we'll see what the next months bring.

This blog will not just be about my mental issues, but they color my life vividly. This is about my first year at university, and the shit (good and bad) that goes down. I will try and stay away from triggering material, but I can't promise anything. I will say this though: I am looking for recovery. I hope to get there, but the like hood of there being ditches and roadkill along the way are high.

If you don't know me, see rethinkthefates.blogspot.com
If you do know me, or would like to, follow. I'll do the same.

Cheers, Greene

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