Holy shit, Samantha, we are the same person.
I don't really have anything else to say today. I'm fucking up, and I missed an assignment yesterday. It sucks because I actually don't care. I will do it now, maybe, and send it to my TA and be unapologetic.
Everything around me is crumbling, and I'm feeling like a puppet again - my commitments to people are the only things holding me up. It shouldn't be like that. It should be my own motivation and goals and talent that make me get up and go to class or write that report or get involved. But it's not. At the end of this month, all my commitments to a campus theater project, to residence council and to my aunt who's moving down will be taken care of completely.
What will motivate me then? Because I can't spend anymore time than I already do staring at my ceiling slowly losing hope that I'll ever want to get up.
 note to self, stop making excuses. if you want to lose 20ilbs, stop saying you're going to and start losing - or stop dreaming.