I keep coming here to post and not knowing what to say.

This past week has been strangely normal - I've been eating without binging, I've been looking in the mirror without hate, and I've been getting work done. It's how I am supposed to be. Its the natural college life, right?

Why does it feel like a lie? I can feel myself consciously choosing to ignore that... voice in my head. But, I mean, that's good right? That is how it's supposed to be... to ignore this life and to create anew. An existence without this idiotic obsession and self mutilation - Jezz, that sounds so dramatic!

It still somehow feels wrong. Happiness is no longer what I am striving for... but I don't what else I can measure as a goal. I don't want to go back down the weight/cutting/counting/ocd road, but without that part of me I don't know who I am. By rejecting it, I am lost. By accepting it... I fall back again.

What a surprise, I can't find a medium.

Whenever I'm on these 'highs' of mood, I always get irritable at people I'm closest to. My best friend right now is really, really stressed out about her classes, and I should be there for her. Somehow, my mind immediately goes to - "Well, do like me. Learn not to feel stress and stop bitching about what you can change."

Hypocritical, right?

I'm a bad, bad, neutral, numb person.
Happy Halloween

Ps. I'd love to know your thoughts on this recent idea. "Drunkorexia: eating disorder prequel or just common practice?" see the article. Share on your blogs too, there is a lot of blame directed at pro-ana blogs - what a surprise.

Today, I was reading a post about someone who went to seek counselling. As many of us do, I often contemplated seeing someone for... whatever this is. I haven't thought about it in a while.

I started to think about how I am not sick enough anymore (was I ever?) for psychiatric help. That spanned into reliving the last 2 and 1/2 years and remembering... how I got to my lows and highs. I started fantasizing about how sick I could get again, and how easy it would be.

I feel myself relapsing.
I'm not sure how I think about that.

Whoops.

Holy shit, Samantha, we are the same person.

I don't really have anything else to say today. I'm fucking up, and I missed an assignment yesterday. It sucks because I actually don't care. I will do it now, maybe, and send it to my TA and be unapologetic.

Everything around me is crumbling, and I'm feeling like a puppet again - my commitments to people are the only things holding me up. It shouldn't be like that. It should be my own motivation and goals and talent that make me get up and go to class or write that report or get involved. But it's not. At the end of this month, all my commitments to a campus theater project, to residence council and to my aunt who's moving down will be taken care of completely.

What will motivate me then? Because I can't spend anymore time than I already do staring at my ceiling slowly losing hope that I'll ever want to get up.

[edit] note to self, stop making excuses. if you want to lose 20ilbs, stop saying you're going to and start losing - or stop dreaming.

Lost @ Home

I’m home to visit for the weekend.

I’m finding it really hard…on a lot of levels. I feel like a guest in these people’s lives – and I understand that technically, right now, that’s what I am. But, I guess I just wanted to feel apart of something again. When I moved away, in hindsight, all I thought was, “Wow, I was a apart of a great group of people and I left that. I am so dumb.”

All day today, though, I hung out with my close group, and they all felt as if nothing changed, and I realized that I still felt like the complete outsider. I felt safer at university without any friends. I guess it is my introverted nature coming out, or maybe fear that I wasn’t the person they remembered. My biggest fear was coming back to people who wouldn’t recognize me, but I was the one who felt taken aback.

To be fair to myself, for the most part of the day, the “boyfriends” were present, so that fact combined with my fatigue and cold didn’t help my outlook. I don’t know. I am happy for my friends in relationships – no, I am serious in my group of 10 close friends, 9 of them are in loving relationships (the other girl is not interested in a relationship on level right now). I guess it just adds to it. I know that I am jealous, and saying I am not would be silly. I also know I am resentful, I didn't want them there. I get a grand total of 36hrs with my friends who I haven't seen in two months, and you, boyfriend, are take every ounce of attention away from that. You make them feel secure, you make them forget that I left. (God, I am so selfish). It just makes me feel really lost.

I don’t know who I am, or where I am going. And yet, everyone close to me does – and on top of that has someone to walk the path with them.

Is that the deciding factor? Because I don’t know what I’m doing wrong anymore. I've been skinnier than this, I've been larger. I've been nicer, meaner, happier. I've been more laid-back, I've been full-blown OCD. I don't know how to act anymore. At this point it’s so pathetic because all I want is for someone to UNDERSTAND me and to SUPPORT me. Screw standards, screw being treated nicely. It’s so dumb how I am fixated on it. I am crying now just writing this, that’s how much it hurts. It is really pathetic.The worst part is that I know the real reason I have no love-interests is BECAUSE I have so much hurt fixated on it. Not attractive.

I guess on the plus side, I have actually lost weight since going to university. Only about 5pounds, so I’m back at 140 (as per usual). Since I weighed myself though, I’ve been super triggered. I want to measure myself so badly right now. I want to cut. I watched what I ate, how I ate, and who I ate around today. I had anxiety about it.

I’m so lost right now. I’m numbing out. I was so happy this morning, and now… maybe I’ve remembered the feelings that made me move away.

So Cute I Want to Puke

It's kind of funny how quickly mood reacts to your physical well being. Wow, understatement of the century, hey? Hi, Lola :P

I was sleeping through classes today, even skipped my ungodly Spanish tutorial at 8:30 in the morning. Walking home from lunch, I was upset about eating the amount of food I had, I was uninterested in life, and I knew that I was not going to study for my midterm tomorrow. In a classic, depressive move - I napped.

And, lo and behold, two hours later I felt a lot better. Apparently sleep is important or something. It's a strange thing though, because I do feel better in the sense that I didn't wake up feeling depressed. I woke up feeling refreshed. But, I woke up with a resolve to do what I needed to do - for some reason this included an entire bottle of water (1.2l) and a full bag of popcorn w/ honey. Not the worse of binging expenses, sure, but just really weird that I woke up knowing and committing to studying and cleaning - but I had to binge first. Like a punishment I was ok accepting.

I don't know.

I'm going back home this weekend for a few days, which will be both good and bad. I miss my friends more than anything, but a lot of them have moved on to new things, pointedly new boys and new schools. I'm not sure how long I will be able to stand listening to how many opportunities business students have or how difficult engineering is. As an arts student with no particular career path, and as someone who is already so freaking conscious that I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, I have NO patience for it.

The other big part is that 5/6 in my circle of close friends have found new "love" in these first few months of school. It's not even that I haven't, its that there is no one that has even made advances, no interests. Which sucks because every one who moves away hopes for the hollywood new-kid experience. Because I'm so on the verge right now... I just really don't want to hear, "There is someone out there for you, eventually you'll find him."

I am so done with that excuse. No, I'm not finding anyone because I'm a depressive hermit who is too self-conscious to let some one else in. I don't think anyone in this world could fix me, even though I want it more than anything else. I'm completely masochistic in that way.

But, of course, my serial-dater / lovebird friends don't understand that (despite how pathetic it is) and there is no way of saying, "Dude, shut up I'm too jealous of what you have to be around you right now" without sounding like a two-year-old. I have no illusions of what I am, I just can't take it.

I'll likely put on a smile, listen to their steamy drunk make-out stories and pretend I'm the best friend they've ever had.

Is it bad that one of the things I am most looking forward to is getting to measure myself on the scale at home? The one I'm used to? I feel like I've gained weight, but nothing has changed in how my clothes fit. Grr.

Long rant for today, sorry.

Cause & Effect

I don't know how long I'll blog again. Or, I guess, how long I'll last in this mind set. But, for now, all I can think of is turning to this outlet once more.

The numbness has crept back into me. It is back in a way it has not been for months. I am lost and confused. I do not want to relapse back into the restriction, the cutting, and the hate. But, at the same time, the effects of those factors - being thinner and fitter, feeling alive and being motivated - are things I want. At this point, I only know of one for-sure way that works for me to get what I want.

But can I risk it? Can I control it? Can the guilt of not eating or of hurting myself when I do have other people who care about me stop me from acting on the only few things that I know make me happy? I don't know any more. It doesn't feel like the guilt will stop me at this point.

I've stopped sleeping restfully, started binge eating again, and continued on with my lethargic attitude towards school - which is bad, because I'm in university now. I'm paying for my future, and right now I'm throwing it away.

Like I said, I don't know if I will keep this up, but I do know that blogging helped last time. I don't have any close friends here that I feel that I trust enough to talk about my depression and my eating issues. So, here I am, again. I guess we'll see what the next months bring.

This blog will not just be about my mental issues, but they color my life vividly. This is about my first year at university, and the shit (good and bad) that goes down. I will try and stay away from triggering material, but I can't promise anything. I will say this though: I am looking for recovery. I hope to get there, but the like hood of there being ditches and roadkill along the way are high.

If you don't know me, see rethinkthefates.blogspot.com
If you do know me, or would like to, follow. I'll do the same.

Cheers, Greene